


Assholes Never Change

by flufflez



Category: South Park
Genre: Adults, Antisemitism, Attempt at Humor, Bigotry & Prejudice, Eric Cartman Being An Asshole, F/M, Homophobic Language, Insanity, M/M, Manipulation, Racism, Secret Relationship, Self-Denial, all characters are adults, not happy story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 16:14:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17728544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flufflez/pseuds/flufflez
Summary: How Cartman unintentionally changes Kyle's life.





	Assholes Never Change

**Author's Note:**

> This story is going to have offensive tones because well, it's Cartman and he's an asshole :}

Cartman sat in the darkness of his bedroom, his face only illuminated by the glow of his laptop screen. His eyes skimmed over the text and his fingers quickly punched keys as he typed responses. He sipped on a can of Mountain Dew before putting it back down on his messy desk.

Miles away in another state, a skinny young man with acne sat in a cluttered room, staring at his own computer screen. Cartman had no idea what he looked like, but always envisioned him as a large Swedish man with viking tattoos.

_NordicWarrior: So, where u been the past months? Havent seen u online much._

_DerFuhrer14: Been up to some stuff_

_NordicWarrior: What kind of "stuff"?_

_DerFuhrer14: I'm not sure if I should tell you_

_NordicWarrior: Because the FBI might be watching?_

_DerFuhrer14: Nah, nothing like that_

_NordicWarrior: Then just tell me._

_DerFuhrer14: No_

_NordicWarrior: Why not? Faggot._

_DerFuhrer14: Alright, you caught me_

_NordicWarrior: What??_

_DerFuhrer14: I might have done some things that would qualify me as a faggot._

_NordicWarrior: What did u do? Sucked dicks for money?_

_DerFuhrer14: It's worse than that :/_

_NordicWarrior: ??_

Cartman took a deep breath. He had been chatting with this guy online for over a year, having met him on a racist forum that he frequented. They had talked in depth and passionately about nazism, white supremacy and the "Jewish problem". Therefore he knew that this guy wouldn't like what he was about to confess. But for some reason, he really wanted to tell someone about it. He felt oddly proud of his "achievement". It took some master manipulation and patience, but he had finally gotten Kyle to suck his balls. After more than a decade of secretly fantasizing about it. Kyle actually let him do even more than that. It was his perverted dream come true. He still hated Kyle though.

_DerFuhrer14: Ok, don't freak out, but I've been fucking a Jew_

It wasn't immediately that he received a response.

_NordicWarrior: Wtf! Hope u have condoms. Is the bitch even remotely hot?_

_DerFuhrer14: I mean...I guess...kind of. It's a guy._

He tapped the desk nervously as he waited for another response. He waited over a minute. He knew he would probably freak the guy out with that confession. Eventually he saw his chat partner beginning to type a response.

_NordicWarrior: Ur telling me you fucked a faggot kike?_

_DerFuhrer14: Only a few times. I actually hate the guy, but I don't mind using him for my pleasure. I've always secretly wanted him to suck my balls, and I finally got him to do it._

_NordicWarrior: OK, quit pulling my leg._

_DerFuhrer14: I'm not joking dude. I kinda hate myself for it, but chicks won't have sex w/ me, so I guess he's the only other option._

It was a good five minutes before he received any response.

_NordicWarrior: You should hate yourself. This is pathetic. How the fuck did this happen?_

_DerFuhrer14: It was that dipshit I told you about before. I knew he seemed like a fag, so I wanted to see if I could manipulate him. One night when we got drunk it worked. And then we kept doing stuff. But I'm the one fucking him in the ass, so that makes it less gay right?_

_NordicWarrior: No, this makes you an actual faggot just like him. Degenerates like you are an embarrassment to our movement. Kill yourself._

_DerFuhrer14: Oh please. It's not really faggy, it's badass. I made him my bitch. I hate him so much that I get a boner from dominating and humiliating him. Honestly I'd say this makes me an alpha male._

_NordicWarrior: Sounds like ur just a faggot loser looking for an excuse. Can't get a girlfriend, so you settle for another faggot. Typical beta male._

Cartman was pissed. He would have closed the conversation, but instead felt compelled to angrily type a long reply.

_DerFuhrer14: Stfu, I'm a total alpha male! Girls just don't see it because they're whores who've been brainwashed by the media. They don't know what a real man is. I'm not a real fag, I'm just having some fun. This guy actually thinks I love him. Ha, yeah right. I'll dump him eventually and maybe post some pictures of him online to humiliate him even more._

_NordicWarrior: Ur fucking crazy, even to my standards. If I were you I'd want to kill this loser, not fuck him. Put a bullet in his head. Then I'd have to kill myself as well, for being involved in Jewish faggotry. I can't wait for the fourth Reich. Losers like you will be the first to go._

_DerFuhrer14: I don't think so, asshole! Some day I'll have a beautiful blonde wife and 6 perfect white children. As soon as I get rich. I'll buy myself a Russian or Swedish wife. For now I'm just enjoying having a Jewish bitch boy to suck my balls._

_NordicWarrior: You make me sick. I thought you'd make a good recruitment for us, but you're basically a Jew._

Cartman watched as NordicWarrior left the conversation and went offline. "Did that guy seriously just call me a Jew?" He sighed and got up to go eat a hot pocket.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. He put down his half eaten hot pocket and went to peer through the peephole, only to see a mess of ginger curls. God dammit. He felt his pants tighten and tried to rearrange them to cover up his growing boner. He opened up the door and let Kyle inside, only to be met with a quick hug. "Hey," Kyle greeted.

"Hey babe, what a surprise.." Cartman replied, feeling the ginger wrapping his hand around his neck. Kyle pulled him into a kiss. He kissed him back, just to keep up his part of the act. He didn't particularly enjoy kissing the filthy Jew, but he would do anything to get those lips around his balls. Even if it meant pretending that he actually loved the dumb ass. Thankfully, they had been keeping their little affairs a secret from everyone they knew, so he only had to pretend to like him when they were alone.

After breaking apart, Kyle set a gift box down on the end table. Cartman pushed Kyle onto the couch and pinned him down, kissing him hungrily - again, part of the elaborate act he'd been keeping up for almost a year now. It was totally gross, he thought, as he continued to pitch a tent in his pants. Just an automatic reaction at this point, in anticipation of what might come. Nothing serious. The stupid Jew was trying to turn him gay, but he wouldn't fall for it. He frequently liked to imagine that Kyle was a woman instead, as a protective measure against turning homosexual.

Kyle stopped kissing him and Cartman opened his eyes, staring into the green ones underneath him. He felt his chest quicken. Probably an allergic reaction to Jew allergens.

Kyle pushed him off and sat up, causing Cartman to sit up as well. "Hey, I got you a little gift..." Kyle said. "Did you want to open it?"

Cartman had anticipated this, which was why he had also gotten Kyle a Valentines day gift. Not that he actually wanted to, just, you know. Part of the act. He figured it would help him continue fucking Kyle if he pretended to be "romantic". He had begrudgingly planned to prepare a surprise candlelit dinner for him as well. Before taking Kyle to his bedroom and showing him who's boss, of course. It wasn't gay at all. It was just clever strategy.

"Sweet, babe. I got you a present as well. Should I go get it?" Cartman replied in a fake soft voice.

"Okay, sure," Kyle grinned.

Cartman got up and came back with a small box, wrapped in red wrapping paper. He handed it to Kyle. "Open yours first."

Kyle blushed as he began tearing open the paper. Beneath the paper was a blue velvet box. He opened it up to reveal a gold necklace with a Star of David charm. He took it out of the box and looked at it. "Wow, um, this is beautiful. You know I'm not that religious anymore though.."

Cartman frowned. "Ah, I'm sorry babe. I thought you would like it. You know, I always used to mock you for being Jewish, but I don't want you to feel ashamed or have to hide it anymore. I thought this necklace would be a way to apologize for the jerk I used to be."

Kyle looked deeply moved by his little speech. "Oh, wow, Cartman. That's so sweet. I'm sorry, it's great. I'll gladly wear it. I guess I had trouble believing it at first, but you've really changed," he smiled.

"You know I've been trying to be a better person. Here, let me put it on you," Cartman smirked. He leaned in and draped the necklace around Kyle's neck, fastening the lock. He pulled back and looked at Kyle. He felt some weird excitement from "branding" him with a Jewish star. He couldn't wait to stare down at Kyle sucking his balls with that necklace on. The thought of it gave him an oddly sweet feeling of power. "Beautiful," he winked.

Kyle kissed him on the cheek and grabbed his present, handing it to him. "Here..it's nothing special, especially compared to what you got me. I hope you didn't spend a lot on this necklace," he commented, looking guilty as he touched the charm around his neck.

Cartman had to suppress a chuckle. Stereotypical Jews, wondering about the cost of everything. "It's fine babe, I wanted to get you something nice. I don't expect anything in return." He began opening the wrapping paper to reveal a fancy looking box of chocolates. "Oh, sweet! These look awesome."

"I knew you'd like chocolate," Kyle chuckled.

"Definitely. You know me too well," Cartman shot him a charming grin in return. He put the box of chocolates aside. "So what do you want to do now?" he tried to ask in a seductive tone, hoping Kyle would get the hint.

"For now can we just...cuddle?" Kyle asked, snuggling into Cartman's side. "Do you wanna watch a movie or something?"

Cartman fought to resist feeling a wave of unwanted impure feelings as Kyle rested his head on his chest. Ugh. It looked like he would have to endure another evening without sex, just hanging out and cuddling. He was going to have to put his foot down sooner or later. He wouldn't allow Kyle to turn him into some pussy whipped faggot.

"That sounds perfect, ginger muffin," Cartman replied in a syrupy tone, wrapping an arm around Kyle. He rolled his eyes as Kyle grabbed the remote and looked for a movie to watch. They began to watch some movie about a guy looking for his long lost brother. He ended up dozing off towards the end of the boring film. By the time the end credits started rolling, he wasin a deep sleep, drooling against the edge of the couch.

"Heh, that movie sucked ass," Kyle chuckled. He turned his head to look at Cartman. The chubby guy was already fast asleep, snoring lightly with his head smashed against the arm of the couch. Kyle sighed, realizing that he really needed to pee. He carefully pried Cartman's arm from where it rested around his shoulder, quietly getting up from the sofa while managing not to wake the "sleeping beauty". He then tip toed up the carpeted staircase and made his way to the bathroom, quickly using the toilet and washing his hands. He was about to descend back downstairs when he noticed a glowing light coming from Cartman's bedroom. He peered in and saw that Cartman's laptop was still turned on, the white glow of the monitor emanating in the dark room.

Kyle walked in with the intention of turning it off, assuming that Cartman would be asleep for the rest of the night and not using it. He probably forgot to turn it off. As he approached the laptop he noticed that the battery was getting low and it still had programs running. Mainly his internet browser. He opened the browser to exit out of it, but there were several tabs open. Curiosity got the best of him. It wouldn't hurt just to take a peek at what Cartman was doing, right? They were...well, hedidn't know exactly what to call..whatever it was that they had going on, but he felt like he was close enough to Cartman to have the right to peek. If it was that private, he probably wouldn't have left it open anyway. Besides, Cartman had snuck in Kyle's room so many times and looked through his own stuff. It was only fair that he get a chance to snoop himself.

One of the tabs he had open was a YouTube video. Kyle rolled his eyes - it was some obnoxious dickhead Youtuber that Cartman always watches. He exited out of the window and clicked on the next tab. It was a page listing a pair of headphones for saleon Amazon. He closed that one as well and moved on to the next tab. The third tab was something different. It looked like a chat conversation. He scrolled up to the top and began reading it. The first thing he noticed were the usernames. His chest felt heavy as he continued reading the bizarre conversation, all the way to the end. It had taken place just before he'd arrived at Cartman's place tonight. He ended up sitting down in Cartman's chair, feeling faint and sickened by what he read.

Enraged but still curious, he clicked the next tab and saw that Cartman was logged in to a forum with the same username. DerFuhrer14. _"How fucking original"_ , Kyle thought. The forum had a black background and white text. There was a corner banner image featuring a black and white German iron cross on a red background. The banner's text read in a gothic font, "Sturm Surge". Kyle raised an eyebrow and scrolled down. The forum's categories included, "Eugenics Discussion, European Culture, European History, The Jewish Question, The Holohoax, The White Lounge," among others that he felt too disheartened to continue reading.

He clicked on his username and went to his profile. Apparently Cartman had been posting on these forums for over a year now. He was a relatively active poster with over 500 posts. Kyle's chest felt even heavier as he scrolled down the list of Cartman's posts, clicking on a few of them and reading their content.

He frowned and took a deep breath. He thought Cartman had gotten over this shit years ago. Cartman had actually promised him that he had changed his views and renounced his racist and neo-nazi beliefs. He should have known not to believe him. Suddenly he felt like the dumbest person in the world. This would be the last time he'd ever trust the fat bastard. He wrote down the website link and Cartman's username on a piece of paper, shoved it in his pocket and promptly left the room. Out of morbid curiosity, he would go and read all of his posts later at home.

Tip toeing down the stairs again, he noticed that Cartman was still asleep, with his head still leaning against the couch's arm. Just a half an hour ago, Kyle would've thought he looked cute sleeping. Now he just felt sick, knowing the things he'd done with him over the past few months. He ripped the necklace off his neck and threw it on the table.

Cartman stirred and grumbled before he had a chance to get out the door, blinking and rubbing his eyes. "Kyle? Where you going babe?"

"Home," Kyle replied angrily, putting on his sneakers.

"Why? What happened?" Cartman yawned, still not realizing that Kyle was angry at him specifically.

"I realized that you're still a piece of shit, that's what," Kyle growled, although his voice sounded more upset than angry.

Cartman looked confused. "What makes you say that??"

"Oh nothing, just the shit you left open on your laptop. Have fun with your Nazi internet friends and your left hand, you bastard," Kyle replied angrily, as he grabbed his jacket.

Cartman took a second to think before a lightbulb flashed in his head. He suddenly remembered leaving his laptop open. The sneaky Jew must have looked at it. He had always taken great care to keep his internet life private, especially from Kyle, and this one time he fucked up by forgetting to log off and falling asleep. His mouth formed into a regretful 'o' shape.

"Dude, Kyle, wait. I was just trolling on there, OK? I didn't actually mean any of it!" Cartman sputtered out.

"Oh, fuck you! Do you really think I'm that dumb?"

"I'm for real though. I was just pretending to be a Neo Nazi on there, so I could get some intel on them. You know, like a nazi hunter. I wouldn't seriously hate Jews when my boyfriend's a Jew," Cartman blurted out, in a quick attempt to make up some kind of excuse. At this point, lying on the spot was an automatic instinct. He stood up from the couch and tried to grab Kyle's arms, but he was pushed away.

Kyle cringed at Cartman's use of the word "boyfriend". Never before had he called him that, and now was the worst time to hear it. "You posted a multiple paragraph essay about how Hitler was a great guy," he replied in a deadpan voice. "You also wrote, that guy was a hero for shooting a bunch of people in a synagogue. And I saw what you wrote just today, that I'm just your sick fetish and replacement for not finding a girlfriend. Fuck you! This is really low, even for someone like you."

"Okay, fine, looks like you caught on to my tactics. I guess the game's over now," Cartman sighed, before revealing a smirk. "I still win though. I finally got you to suck my balls."

Kyle punched him hard in the face before storming out of the house. Cartman covered his nose with his hand, feeling the blood pouring out. He had a feeling this day would come eventually. He stuffed a tissue up his bloody nose and tore open the box of chocolates, stuffing one into his mouth and smiling. Well, so much for that. It was fun while it lasted. And while he'd probably never talk to Kyle again, he'd at least achieved the one thing he'd desired since grade four.

* * *

As the weeks passed and Kyle had not spoken a word to him, a strange and unpleasant feeling arose inside him. He couldn't quite pinpoint what it was, but he didn't like it. It was like there was something missing. But it couldn't be Kyle, he hated Kyle. The fucking Jew had played games on his mind.

He ignored the pesky feeling and went back to staring at the glow of his computer screen, every day, every night. Looking for a distraction, and a sense of fulfillment and belonging that he never quite felt.

Well over a decade had passed, his life marked by underachievement and loneliness. Instead of becoming a millionaire with a hot wife like he'd intended, he was still living with his mom and working at a machine shop. He hadn't heard a word from either Stan or Kyle in forever, Kenny too. Butters was the only one who still talked to him. Cartman was catching up with Butters at a sports bar one afternoon, when he finally mustered up the courage to ask about the one thing he'd thought about way more than he should have over the years. "So, you heard anything about Kyle lately? Haven't seen that guy in years."

"Oh, aren't you guys friends anymore?" Butters cocked his head in confusion.

"Nah, not really," Cartman shrugged, trying to sound careless and casual. "We um, kind of drifted apart," he lied.

"Ah, I don't blame ya. He's been weird ever since he became all religious and stuff. Barely the same guy anymore."

"Religious?" Cartman looked confused. Of course, he had no idea what had gone on in Kyle's life since they were twenty, when he punched him in the face and walked out the door. They were all in their late thirties now, and he had almost successfully forgotten about him.

"Yeah...where have you been?" Butters chuckled.

"Not around Kyle, apparently," Cartman replied. "What do you mean religious? He wasn't religious before."

"Huh, I thought you knew about this. Didn't you notice when he started to become really withdrawn? Then after he left Colorado, he started growing a beard and wearin one of those lil Jew hats on his head all the time. I think he lives in New York now. Didn't you hear about his wife and kids? He's got four kids now, I met two of them once when he came to visit, and-"

Cartman spit his beer out. "Wife and kids?!?!" He began choking on swallowed liquid. "Did you just say FOUR??"

Butters chuckled at the scene. The bartender gave them a look and handed him napkins. "Yeah! You guys must have really drifted apart to not know any of this."

Cartman looked completely dumbstruck. "How the fuck did he get a wife?! Kyle's ga- never mind."

Butters just laughed. "What, were you gonna say he's gay? Yeah, those were just rumors. Remember how you guys used to call me gay all the time? Look at me now, I've got the hottest wife if I do say so myself!" he grinned.

Cartman still looked dumbstruck as Butters began to type into his phone. He peered over and saw that he had pulled up Kyle's Facebook page. Cartman didn't use Facebook, and he certainly wasn't "friends" with Kyle, so he'd never seen it before.

Butters tapped the screen a few times and showed Cartman a photo of Kyle, standing there with a beard and brimmed hat, next to the rest of his family. A slim and attractive wife with scarf around her head, two daughters and two sons wearing kippahs on their heads. Butters clicked back on to his Facebook page. "Oh, it looks like Kyle's wife is pregnant again. Wow, I don't know how they can handle all those kids!" he commented. He swiped the phone and showed Cartman some more photos of Kyle and his kids and wife. "Yeah, I don't talk to him much. Apparently he lives in some Jewish community now, you know where they follow strict rules and all wear the same hats and stuff? Kind of like Amish people. Never would have guessed Kyle to end up like that."

Cartman felt his blood begin to boil. He slammed his glass of beer down and put some money on the counter for the bartender. Butters looked concerned. "Are you alright, buddy?"

"Oh I'm fine, Butters. Just got a little headache. I think I better call it a night, got work tomorrow. It was nice catching up with you, pal," he forced a convincing fake smile.

Butters shot back his signature bubbly grin before patting Cartman on the back sympathetically. "Alright, Eric. I'll catch ya later, take care!"

Cartman was out the door shortly after and driving home in silence, hot fire burning in his eyes like chili. As soon as he got home, he jumped on his computer and started googling Kyle's name. He had always avoided doing it before, not wanting to let his thoughts about the stupid Jew to control him. But now, fuck that. Curiosity got the best of him.

He found a link on Facebook, but it was private. He then found an instagram page, which was also marked private. Dammit. He eventually found a photo on someone else's instagram page of Kyle with his wife and three of their kids. He stared at it for a long time. It was his worst nightmare come true. This wasn't fair. Kyle, the faggot Jew, somehow had gotten married and had kids, while he was still all alone. Jealousy burned through his veins. Kyle was living the life Cartman had intended for himself. _He_ was supposed to be the one with a wife and kids, not Kyle. _He_ was supposed to move on happily, not Kyle. Kyle must have done all of this purposely to one up him. That was it. This was all an elaborate revenge plan to enrage him. It _had_ to be.

After a week of obsessively thinking about it, he had come to the ultimate decision. He had to do it. He couldn't stand to see Kyle winning, especially while he was losing. So on a foggy Saturday morning he got on a plane to New York, having tracked down Kyle's home address. All that he had was a backpack, a photo of Kyle and a gun.

After getting out of the airport he booked a small hotel room and then took a cab to Brooklyn, asking the driver to drop him off outside of the neighborhood. He peered around. It wasn't long before he saw Orthodox Jews walking down the street. He felt anxiety being in a place with this many Jews. He just needed to find Kyle's address and get it over with. He walked a few blocks, looking down at his phone. Eventually he arrived at the street where Kyle lived. A man in a brimmed hat looked at him curiously. "Need help?" The man asked. "Are you lost?"

Cartman narrowed his eyes at the man. "Yeah, I'm looking for someone named Kyle. Broflovski."

"The Broflovski family live over there," the man pointed to a blue town house.

"Alright, thanks," Cartman replied. The man nodded and continued walking. He stood and stared at the house for a good minute before finally approaching it. His nerves were shaking beyond belief as he stepped up to the door.

Before he could even ring the doorbell a woman opened it. The first thing Cartman noticed was that she was dressed like an elderly grandmother, despite only appearing to be in her thirties. She was wearing a knit sweater, a long skirt and black knitted tights with a scarf around her head. And she was obviously pregnant. It seemed she was startled to see somebody standing at her doorstep. Maybe it was the way he was dressed. A little boy appeared behind her and peeked up at him curiously. Cartman instantly recognized that the boy had Kyle's eyes. He looked away from the child uncomfortably.

"Hi, sorry to startle you maam, I was just about to knock. Is Kyle there?" he asked calmly and casually.

"Yes he is, I didn't know he was expecting anybody," she replied. "Just a minute."

She turned around and went back inside. Cartman craned his neck to look inside and saw her going up a staircase. The little boy was still standing there, staring at him without expression, barely even blinking. He grinned down at the little boy, who didn't smile back, only continued staring at him with an an intense, almost judgmental expression. He glanced away nervously, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Eventually he heard somebody coming down the stairs. Then he saw Kyle. Just like in the photos, he had a beard now. And tired looking bags under his eyes. It was bizarre to see him looking much older after not seeing him for seventeen years. Kyle gently pushed the boy aside and opened the door, a faint friendly smile on his face. "Can I help-"

He paused after looking at Cartman for a second and quickly recognizing him. Then a look of shock came over his face. He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it. "Cartman?" He spoke with a hint of malice in his voice.

"Hello Kyle." Cartman replied in the same tone. He said nothing more, just staring at Kyle and taking in how different he looked. "You look..different."

"Uh..can I _help_ you? How did you get my home address? What's this about?" Kyle finally spoke, after Cartman said nothing. He swore that Kyle even had a hint of an accent now.

Cartman took deep breath. Well, this was it. "I have something to tell you. It's pretty important and I thought I'd tell you in person. As for why I'm here, well, I was in New York and thought I'd stop by," he lied. "Butters gave me your address," he lied again.

"What could you possibly tell me that's so important? We haven't spoken in YEARS," Kyle replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Mind if we go for a walk?" Cartman said.

"Yes, I _do_ mind. You can't just show up unexpectedly at my house like this," he replied in a hushed voice.

"Look, I don't want to be here any more than you want me here. But I'm pretty much forced to tell you about this," Cartman replied. "Trust me, it's good news."

Kyle looked at him with skepticism before shrugging. "Fine. Just give me a minute." Kyle turned around and ran back up the stairs, shouting something, presumably telling his wife he was leaving. Cartman rolled his eyes.

Kyle came back down the stairs a minute later, patting the little boy on the head before coming outside. He shut the door and locked it, before stepping out onto the pavement. Then he awkwardly shoved his hands into his pocket and looked at Cartman. "Alright, what do you want?"

They heard a tapping and looked to see the little boy in the window, staring at Kyle. He had his hands up against the glass as he looked out the window wordlessly. Cartman chuckled. Kyle went up to the window and smiled. "Daddy will be right back!" he shouted at the boy. The boy looked down and got up from the window, returning to the house.

Cartman began to walk down the street, nodding for Kyle to follow him. Kyle sighed and rubbed his forehead before following after him. This was the last thing he expected to deal with on his only weekday off. He truly didn't want or expect to ever see or hear from Cartman again. But the man seemed pretty serious, so he figured he might as well find out what he came all the way here for.

"So..four kids, huh?" Cartman said casually.

Kyle looked at him oddly. "I'm not interested in small talk. What do you _want_?" he replied sternly.

"Damn, still mad at me huh? I would have thought you'd gotten over what happened by now," Cartman grinned.

"Believe me, I stopped caring a long time ago. And I'm not really in the mood to argue about some bullshit that happened after highschool," Kyle replied simply. "So tell me why you're really here."

Cartman's eyes flashed with anger. It enraged him that Kyle only seemed to remember their little affair as some "shit that happened after highschool". He wanted him to be more hurt by it than he seemed to be. He tried to pull himself together and continue with the plan.

"Alright, well, you remember that Crack Baby Olympics business we had?" he began as they continued walking up the next block. He shuddered at the sight of more Jews walking along the sidewalk.

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well, I received a letter recently informing me that I still had a bank account we'd forgotten about. It had over two hundred thousand dollars left in it, and it's been accumulating interest all these years," Cartman lied. "Since we were co-owners of the company, I think I'm legally required to give you half, or something."

Kyle looked genuinely confused. "That can't be right. I was in charge of accounting and I don't remember any two hundred thousand dollars left laying around. I'm pretty sure I would have known about that."

"Well apparently you forgot about it. I'll even prove it to you. I've got the bank account details saved on my laptop," Cartman explained in a serious tone.

"Where's your laptop?" Kyle asked.

"I left it in my hotel room. Do you want to come and I'll show it to you?" Cartman asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. This was the crucial part of his plan, and he couldn't scare Kyle off or give himself away.

"No, I really don't," Kyle replied in a suspicious voice. "I can wait outside and you can bring your laptop out if you want," he explained.

God dammit. Kyle had gotten smart to his tricks. Well, he couldn't give up so quickly. He had to convince Kyle to come in the room somehow. "My laptop's battery is nearly dead."

"Then I'll wait for you to charge it and then you can bring it out," Kyle replied, looking at him with even more suspicion now. "Better yet, why don't you just email me the details and I'll look at it myself? I'm an accountant, so I'll need to figure out the tax requirements."

Cartman nearly burst into laughter. Kyle could not have become any more of a stereotype. He tried to keep a straight face. This wasn't a time for him to be laughing. Instead, he forced a convincing frown on his face. "Well, I've got something else I needed to show you. I can only show you somewhere private. I don't want to risk the FBI finding out. It's really important."

Kyle raised an eyebrow at him. "What is it?"

"I'll show you when we get there," Cartman explained.

Kyle sighed. "Fine, but this better not be a trick."

"I swear it isn't. Look, I don't have any interest in wasting my time coming all the way here just to pull a dumb trick," Cartman explained.

"Alright, whatever, let's go."

It wasn't long before they found a cab. They spent the car ride in silence before arriving at Cartman's hotel.

"Well, here it is," Cartman commented needlessly as they got out of the cab. Kyle remained silent as they walked through the doors and got on an elevator to the 11th floor.

"You look super weird with a beard, by the way," Cartman said as they waited in the elevator.

"Fuck off," Kyle growled back.

"Woah, are Orthodox Jews even allowed to curse? Won't god strike you down with lightning or something?"

"If you don't shut the hell up I'm leaving," Kyle furrowed his eyebrows.

"What even made you want to become like this? You were never religious before," Cartman continued, ignoring his request to shut up.

"It's none of your damn business."

"Fine, well let's just get this over with." After they stepped off the elevator Cartman lead the way back to his hotel room, pulling a pair of keys out of his pocket and opening the door.

"Hold on, I just gotta pee real quick," Cartman said, going into the bathroom.

Kyle stood there awkwardly for two minutes until he came back out. "Where's your laptop?" he asked, scanning the room and seeing nothing.

"Oh it's in one of my bags," Cartman replied casually. He waltzed over to his backpack. "Let me just get something from here first." He began shuffling around the bag before feeling and grabbing the object he was looking for.

Kyle narrowed his eyes and reached into his pocket at the same time. Within seconds, they both pulled out guns and aimed them at each other.

"I knew it!" Kyle yelled.

"Motherfucker," Cartman replied.

"You brought me here to kill me, didn't you?" Kyle gasped, holding his gun steady at the other man.

"Of course I did. Why do _you_ have a gun with you? Were _you_ planning to kill _me_?"

"No, I brought it just in _case_ you tried to kill _me_. And my suspicion was right."

"How did you know??"

"Because you're a fucking psychopath!"

"Touché. Well, now what?" Cartman asked, still aiming his gun at Kyle.

"What the fuck do you mean, " _now what"_??" Kyle stared at him with wide eyes. He was nearly about to piss his pants. Cartman was far from mentally stable and capable of anything.

"Do you want to kill me?" Cartman asked in a casual tone.

Kyle was taken aback by how casual he seemed to be, in a situation like this. "We've already established that _you_ were planning to kill _me_."

"Well, I've established that this isn't going to be easy with you pointing a gun at me," Cartman explained simply. "So if you want to put me out of my misery, go ahead."

Kyle, hands shaking, looked at him like he was insane. Which he was. "I don't want to kill you, asshole. I want to get the hell out of here alive and _not_ spend the rest of my life in prison."

"Don't worry, you could just say it was self defense. I'm sure NYPD would believe you, you _are_ a _Jew_ after all."

"Fuck you, you piece of shit," Kyle yelled.

"Am I making you angry, kike? Go head and shoot me already!"

"What the fuck is your problem?? What did I ever do to you to cause this? We haven't spoken in nearly _seventeen_ years-"

"So you've been keeping track, huh?" Cartman revealed a hint of a hopeful smirk.

"No, I'm just used to adding things up in my head quickly." He sighed. "This is insane, can you please let me go now? We can just forget this ever happened and-"

"NO!" Cartman shouted, shaking his gun at Kyle. "I demand answers!"

"Answers to _what_?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about! Why did you go through all this trouble just to piss me off?" Cartman growled. "Are you really this petty, Kyle?"

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Don't play stupid with me. You purposely got married, to a _woman_ , and then have five little _Jew brats_ , just to rub it in my face. You did exactly what _I_ was planning to do, just to get revenge at me."

Kyle was speechless for a moment. "That couldn't be further from the truth. You've lost your mind."

"Nuh uh! You totally did this on purpose. You knew that I was planning to dump you, find a hot wife and have a litter of children. So what did you do? Dumped me first and did the same thing. You fucking beat me at my own life plan, Kyle. _Just to piss me off!_ "

Kyle simply raised an eyebrow at him. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're just fucking insane and need mental help?"

"Don't try to bullshit me with your Jewish psychotherapy tactics. Right after I hurt your little feelings, you changed completely. All of a sudden, you magically stopped being gay and became religious. I'm not dumb, Kyle."

"How would you know I changed? We haven't even been in contact. And maybe I'm bisexual, dumb ass!"

"Oh really? That one time when we were watching porn, you told me you don't _really_ like women. You like hot, muscular men," Cartman explained with a smirk, remembering it like it was just yesterday.

"That was years ago, I was confused at the time."

"Is that what your dumb religion has taught you? That you were just "confused"?"

"Don't insult my religion, asshole! Why do you even care?"

"Oh, I don't care, but I'm sure your wife would like to know.." Cartman smirked deviously.

"Leave my wife out of this!" Kyle narrowed his eyes at him. "You obviously _do_ care, way too much, if you were planning to _kill me_ just because you're jealous."

"I am not jealous!!" Cartman growled.

"You literally just admitted to it."

"FINE!" Cartman threw his gun on the bed angrily. Kyle flinched. "Maybe I am jealous! This is not fair! You always get to have everything, Kyle! I get nothing! You have a loving family, a dad, a house, money, a wife and kids! What do I have? I still live with my mom and the only people who will even fuck me are crackwhores, like my mom used to be, and I refuse to fuck a crackwhore! Plus, I'm so fat I can't even see my dick! Are you happy now? You win, Kyle!"

Kyle sighed, a tired frown on his face. For a moment he felt guilt and pity, but then reminded himself that he had been down this road too many times before. Giving in to Cartman's emotional manipulation had always gotten him hurt in the past. He wasn't going to give in to it again. This time he would give Cartman a piece of his own mind.

"You think _I'm_ happy? I work six days a week from morning to night just to afford a shitty townhouse, my kids drive me crazy, I hardly get any sleep, I'm treated like an outsider in my own community since I wasn't raised orthodox, I have to follow strict religious rules or else I'm a bad Jew, my wife lost her job, my daughter brought home a kitten and it puked on my face while I was trying to sleep, now we've got another child on the way, and I'm supposed to feel "blessed" but all I feel is stressed!" he yelled, out of breath.

Cartman just look at him with wide eyes, speechless. Kyle took deep breath before continuing. " _I'm_ the one with the screwed up life, asshole! You don't have any responsibilities to worry about! I made the biggest mistake of my life choosing to live like this! And honestly, you're right. It _is_ partly your fault!"

Cartman raised an eyebrow. "Why is it my fault?"

Kyle sighed angrily. "Because I had serious trust issues after what you did to me! It messed me up. And I couldn't even talk to my friends about it, since I was too ashamed. My parents knew I was acting weird and told me to go speak to a Rabbi, who told me go to speak to _another_ Rabbi, who got me in touch with an organization that convinced me if I just became more religious I'd be happier, and I fell for it, and now this is my life. So thanks a lot, asshole."

Cartman looked shocked. "So you're saying...you're miserable?"

Kyle looked down at the floor. "Honestly, yes!"

"And..it's partly my fault?" Cartman questioned.

"Yeah, it kind of is your fault!" Kyle yelled.

A curious smile tugged at Cartman's face, which quickly grew into a stretched grin. "YES!"

Kyle furrowed his eyebrows. "..what?"

"Oh my god, this is great! I don't have to kill you _or_ myself now! Who would have guessed that Kyle's life actually sucks more than mine! And I helped make that happen! Yes! Thank you Jesus! All that worrying for nothing! Turns out I _did_ win after all."

Kyle's face turned red in anger. He clenched his fists tight, putting his gun inside his pocket. In a brief moment he waltzed up to Cartman, punched him as hard in the face as he possibly could, and left the room, slamming the door shut.

As he was walking down the hallway, he heard the door reopen and looked behind him. He saw Cartman peering out the door, blood dripping out of his nose and down his face. "I still win, Kyle!"

Kyle grit his teeth, got on the elevator and walked all the way home. 


End file.
